Wednesday 25th January, 2012

I didn't go to the gym today.

I made an igloo instead....

What the fuck did you do?

Monday 16th January 2012

Exercise – Running (undisclosed distance) / Cycling (undisclosed distance)

Up early, and with a gritted determination I did my usual 50 situps and decided it was time fora full frontal cardio vascular on my midriff.  Having rock solid abs is one thing, but if they are hiding behind a layer of blubber what good are they to anyone. Also, my body hurt form the weights and as i have previously mentioned rest days are of vital importance.

So I decided to go for a run, followed by a cycle (both in the Gym). I should mention at this point that i got quite into running previously, but had to stop due to the gyroscopic effect on my hips from running fair to moderate distances at over 6 foot 6, with all the grace and technique of one legged hippo. At my peek I was probably running about 7 miles a pop, about 3 times a week.

I did not run seven miles.

In fact, I have decided not to disclose the distances I ran / cycled, or at least not fully. What I will do is describe the distance I ran as if describing the frequency and prowess of my sexual allure at age 14, if auditioning for a part on “Top Boys”.

“Mate, I ran bare distance, you get me? Didn’t get no sweat on or nuffin, put in time on the road man, you know? I didn’t even know how long I ran bruv, geezer had to ask me to leave in the end coz they was closing, you know? I was like that Usain Bolt, except crossed with that bitch that shit herself. The bike was rare as well, i be spinning them peddles faster Wakish’s babies drop, you get me? Bare speed again bruv. Seen”.

Translation

“Friend, I ran for a considerable distance, do you understand? I did not perspire whilst doing so, and i ran for a very long time, did you know? I was unaware of the time I was running, and the gymnasium attendant informed me that the establishment was about to close. My physical proues could be alluded to running at the speed of the worlds fastest man, with the tenacity of the paula Radcliffe (?). My cycling ability was also an extraordinary fete of accomplishment, similar to the frequency of the local gad about’s ability to fall pregnant. As like the running, my speed was again remarkable. Seen [sic].”

Romeo done.

Sunday 15th January

Exercise – Weights

Usually routine adopted – three groups of two unrelated exercises repeated up to 5 times with rests of 1minute to 90 seconds between each set, or “supersets”.

Superset 1

Exercise A1 – Seated Leg Extensions (110kg)

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Exercise A2 – Chin-ups (60kg – 40kg)

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Superset 2

Exercise B1 – Dumbbell Chest Press (36kg – 32kg)

Sets 4
Reps 6-8
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise B2 – Concentration Curls (14kg)

Sets 4
Reps 12-14
Rest 60 seconds

Superset 3

Exercise C1 – Decline Sit-up (thought that, in the spirit of trying to get a six pack, some abdominal exercises probably wouldn’t go a mis...)

Sets 4
Reps 15-18
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise C2 – Decline Dumbbell flys (10kg – 8kg)

Sets 4
Reps 10-12
Rest 60 seconds

After my extended Sunday session, and in the advent of two weeks un-deterred commitment (discounting the curry, and approximately 7 bottles of wine) i thought that I’d treat myself to a “weigh in”, undoubtedly having shed my Christmas indulgence several times over by this point.

However, it's probably important at this stage to point out that i didn’t actually weigh myself at the beginning of this experiment, simply taking my usual weight of 94kg, and added a few extra in light of my duty bound mother’s tireless and indeed unstoppable requirement that I be fed and watered (wined) to the point of complete saturation thought the entire duration of my Christmas break.

It was then with little or no trepidation I strode proudly onto the scales already practising my congratulatory inner soliloquy and half smile that would intestinally and succinctly convey my success to fellow gym goings.

I weigh 100kg.  I went home, ate a consolation stick of celery (clearly the wooden spoon of snack foods) and cried myself to sleep. This is going to be a little harder than I imagined.