Wednesday 25th January, 2012

I didn't go to the gym today.

I made an igloo instead....

What the fuck did you do?

Monday 16th January 2012

Exercise – Running (undisclosed distance) / Cycling (undisclosed distance)

Up early, and with a gritted determination I did my usual 50 situps and decided it was time fora full frontal cardio vascular on my midriff.  Having rock solid abs is one thing, but if they are hiding behind a layer of blubber what good are they to anyone. Also, my body hurt form the weights and as i have previously mentioned rest days are of vital importance.

So I decided to go for a run, followed by a cycle (both in the Gym). I should mention at this point that i got quite into running previously, but had to stop due to the gyroscopic effect on my hips from running fair to moderate distances at over 6 foot 6, with all the grace and technique of one legged hippo. At my peek I was probably running about 7 miles a pop, about 3 times a week.

I did not run seven miles.

In fact, I have decided not to disclose the distances I ran / cycled, or at least not fully. What I will do is describe the distance I ran as if describing the frequency and prowess of my sexual allure at age 14, if auditioning for a part on “Top Boys”.

“Mate, I ran bare distance, you get me? Didn’t get no sweat on or nuffin, put in time on the road man, you know? I didn’t even know how long I ran bruv, geezer had to ask me to leave in the end coz they was closing, you know? I was like that Usain Bolt, except crossed with that bitch that shit herself. The bike was rare as well, i be spinning them peddles faster Wakish’s babies drop, you get me? Bare speed again bruv. Seen”.

Translation

“Friend, I ran for a considerable distance, do you understand? I did not perspire whilst doing so, and i ran for a very long time, did you know? I was unaware of the time I was running, and the gymnasium attendant informed me that the establishment was about to close. My physical proues could be alluded to running at the speed of the worlds fastest man, with the tenacity of the paula Radcliffe (?). My cycling ability was also an extraordinary fete of accomplishment, similar to the frequency of the local gad about’s ability to fall pregnant. As like the running, my speed was again remarkable. Seen [sic].”

Romeo done.

Sunday 15th January

Exercise – Weights

Usually routine adopted – three groups of two unrelated exercises repeated up to 5 times with rests of 1minute to 90 seconds between each set, or “supersets”.

Superset 1

Exercise A1 – Seated Leg Extensions (110kg)

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Exercise A2 – Chin-ups (60kg – 40kg)

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Superset 2

Exercise B1 – Dumbbell Chest Press (36kg – 32kg)

Sets 4
Reps 6-8
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise B2 – Concentration Curls (14kg)

Sets 4
Reps 12-14
Rest 60 seconds

Superset 3

Exercise C1 – Decline Sit-up (thought that, in the spirit of trying to get a six pack, some abdominal exercises probably wouldn’t go a mis...)

Sets 4
Reps 15-18
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise C2 – Decline Dumbbell flys (10kg – 8kg)

Sets 4
Reps 10-12
Rest 60 seconds

After my extended Sunday session, and in the advent of two weeks un-deterred commitment (discounting the curry, and approximately 7 bottles of wine) i thought that I’d treat myself to a “weigh in”, undoubtedly having shed my Christmas indulgence several times over by this point.

However, it's probably important at this stage to point out that i didn’t actually weigh myself at the beginning of this experiment, simply taking my usual weight of 94kg, and added a few extra in light of my duty bound mother’s tireless and indeed unstoppable requirement that I be fed and watered (wined) to the point of complete saturation thought the entire duration of my Christmas break.

It was then with little or no trepidation I strode proudly onto the scales already practising my congratulatory inner soliloquy and half smile that would intestinally and succinctly convey my success to fellow gym goings.

I weigh 100kg.  I went home, ate a consolation stick of celery (clearly the wooden spoon of snack foods) and cried myself to sleep. This is going to be a little harder than I imagined.

Day 6 - Saturday 14th January 2012

Fail.

Oh dear. I woke up this morning with that slightly otherworldly, blinkered view of a world shrouded in a distinctly alien haze. I stumbled out of my pit, with one toe at time gingerly felt my way  to my (soon to be sorely missed) en suite where the unmistakable smear Mutter Panner on my cheek gave the game away. I was hungover.

If you want to know what guilt tastes like, it is both aromatic and repulsive,. both sweet and sickly, and, sadly I realised as I shovelled the remains into the microwave at about 11am, very moreish. Bitter tears of regret helped to dilute the Jalfrazy somewhat, but as my disappointment faded to remorse, the edge of bitterness dulled somewhat through complete culinary gratification I began to wonder - just how bad is a curry for you?

Nutrition - Chicken Jalfrezy with Mutter Panner, Pilau Rice and Nann bread

Chicken Jalfrezy
http://www.huddsonline.co.uk/eat_takeawayguide.htm
Kcal - 415
Fat   - 27g

Mutter Panneer
http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2007/aug/24calorie.htm
Kcal - 313
Fat   - 22g

Nann Bread
http://www.huddsonline.co.uk/eat_takeawayguide.htm
Kcal - 538
Fat   - 20g

Pilau Rice
http://caloriecount.about.com/pilau-rice-recipe-r42421
Kcal - 247
Fat   - 2g

Poppadom
http://www.sparkpeople.com/calories-in.asp?food=poppadom
Kcal - 129
Fat - 9g

TOTAL
Kcal - 1642
Fat - 80

So there you have it. On reflection, that's not all that bad, considering my daily intake should be around 2500 (although that's pretty much all of my daily fat allowance). And we wont mention the two bottles of wine consumed the previous night.....

Anyway, for those of you that are interested, this is what guilt looks like:

No gym today, obvs.

Day 5 - Friday 12th January 2012

Exercise - Gym: Supersets

Legs were still pretty painful from the Monday session, and the number of Jumping Jacks and what not from the boxing class, so today i tried to focus on upper body exercises.

Superset A

Exercise A1 – Seated Row (55k)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz4F6jCyLc8

Sets 5

Reps 8-10
Rest 90 seconds

Exercise A2 – Close Grip Bench Press (seated) (45k)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-iaRAN7CZI 

Sets 5
Reps 6-8
Rest 90 seconds

Superset B

Exercise B1 – Arnold Press (32k - 16k each arm)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Rtakl0frk

{Personally, I love/hate this exercise. It is bloody excruciating, and you should probably use a slightly lower weight than you would for a normal shoulder press. But the burn feels good.....)

Sets 4

Reps 6-8
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise B2 – Concentration Bicep Curls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jvj2wV0vOYU - I'm not sure why this guy has to show you without a top on, maybe its because he wasn't breast fed.

Sets 4
Reps 8
Rest 60 seconds

Superset C

Exercise C1 – Dumbbell Decline Fly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMALXhhHRKM (black guy with a deep south accent....isn't that a little bit like a Jew wearing a swastika?) 

Personally i love this exercise - when the dumbbells are next to each other above your chest, really try and focus on the lower pectorals, and try to squeeze the weights together - this will eventually cut in under the pectoral muscle and help create that lower line of definition on the chest. Or so I hear.

Sets 4
Reps 8-10
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise C2 – Decline Sit-ups

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhGU5cmNZds&feature=related

Except don't put your hands behind your head as this douche recommends, as you can strain your neck pretty badly. Hands by temples, or on chest, period.

Also I try to alternate in groups of three, doing one normal, right elbow to left knee, then left elbow to right knee. This works the core abdominal muscles, but also the right and left intercostals and the sides of your core as well.

Sets 4
Reps 15-18
Rest 90 seconds

And that's a wrap.

Day 4 - Thursday 11th January 2011

Today I had the day off, so fuck you.

Ok ok, seriously, rest days are important. This is what Mens' Helth mag has to say about resting your body:

Why is it important?

If you don’t get enough rest, you won't see any results – no matter what your goal. Fat loss and increases in strength, muscle mass or muscular endurance all occur outside the gym, while your body recovers and adapts. Lack of rest may lead to overtraining – signs of which include a feeling of general fatigue, aching, depression, and decreased performance. Incorporating rest days also helps maintain a better balance between home, work and the gym.

How much recovery do I need?

Recovery for bulking up 5-7 days

It takes up to 7 days for muscles to fully recover and add size. Training a muscle group prior to this is likely to do more harm than good. You have fully recovered 48 hours after any soreness has gone. So, for example, if you train your biceps on Monday, they’ll ache Tuesday and Wednesday (compensation), and you should rest Thursday and Friday to allow growth (super compensation). You can train other muscle groups while one group recovers, but should always leave at least five days between training the same muscle or muscle group.

King tip Should you experience the negative effects of overtraining, take a week or two off. Your body will repair itself and bounce back strong. Make sure you change your program before resuming.

Recovery for building strength and power 2-3 days between the same exercise movements

Strength and power gains are dependent on the efficiency of the neural pathways which control the relevant movement pattern. The law of specificity requires the repetition of the desired movement pattern in order for it to develop. For example, if you want to be able to bench press more weight, you must practice the exercise over and over again to reinforce the neural pathways responsible for maximal muscle contractions. Two to three days is sufficient rest and will allow your nervous system to fully recover.

King tip When recovering, partial variations of exercise movements can be performed. For example, perform a snatch from thigh level rather than the floor.

Recovery for muscular endurance One day or 'active recovery'

Endurance exercise depletes phosphocreatine and glycogen stores in the muscles. It takes 24-48 hours for these to fully restore. If after 24 hours you feel muscular soreness, have a rest day or do some active recovery (low to medium intensity cardiovascular exercise at 50-70% maximum effort). Ensure that through a seven day cycle you have a minimum of 48 hours off from any form of training.

Recovery for reducing body fat Two days between resistance sessions; one day or active recovery after HIIT

Ensure you take 48 hours off between resistance training sessions. This time can be filled alternatively with high intensity interval training (HIIT) or low intensity longer duration cardiovascular exercise in order to maximise fat burning. HIIT should be followed by a rest day or active recovery. Do no training at all for a minimum of 48 hours a week.

So there you have it, conclusive evidence that sometimes its OK to sack it off. :D

Nutrition

Lunch - one of the burgers from Thursdays tea, served on fresh lettuice (no bread).

Dinner - Grilled chicken, stuffed with goats cheese and roast vegetables. Not sure I'm allowed to eat cheese, but it was pretty damn tasty....

Day 3 - Wednesday 11th January 2011

Boxercise - 1 Hour

Hmm. How can I describe "Boxercise" in one word. Well, the truth is I can't. But neither can anyone! Because, you see, "Boxercise" isn't even a real word! Its actually a combination of two words, "Boxing" the highbrow world of fisticuffs and "Exercise" (kudos to the more savvy reader who may have already figured this out). A bit like "anticipointment" (high expectations followed by a let-down, a portmanteau of anticipation and disappointment), or for the Daily Mail readers among you, "JedWard" (incidentally if there are any daily Mail readers among you, please fuck off).

Anyway, literary genius aside, Boxercise was great. Good all round CV, showing no major bias to any one muscle group, with the added bonus of punching the crap out of some pads in the middle of your working day. Definite stress buster, and highly recommended for girls and boys alike.

Nutrition

Dinner - Thai Burgers with Mango salsa and Sweet Potato Wedges

Props to the gf for this little number, i was beginning to think i was about to turn into a mackerel salad. Goes to show that good food need not be bad food.

• Ingredients

2 Sweet Potatoes, cut into wedges

Olive Oil

400g lean mince (pork or beef, your preference)

1 Red Onion (half grated, half diced)

Coriander, diced

1 Red Chili, diced

1/2 Lime, juiced

Side salad to serve

•          Method

Heat the oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Soft boil the wedges for about 15 minutes to take off some oven time. Toss the potato wedges with 1/2 tbsp olive oil. Put on a baking tray and sprinkle with salt (I added some chili flakes for a bit of a kick). Bake for 20-25 minutes until tender.

Meanwhile, mix together the mince, curry paste, grated onion and half the coriander. Season and form into 4 burgers. Brush the burgers with a little oil then grill or griddle for 5-6 minutes each side until they are cooked through.

For the mango salsa, mix the mango, chili and the rest of the coriander with the lime juice. To serve, put a burger on top of some little gem leaves and spoon over some salsa. Serve with the sweet potato wedges.

• Nutrition per serving

242 kcalories, protein 23.6g, carbohydrate 27.9g, fat 4.8 g, saturated fat 1.6g, fibre 4g, salt 0.45 g

Day 2 - Tuesday 10th Jan 2011

Well it's day two and I honestly can't see any difference. Except I am in a lot of pain. Especially in my legs, which I rarely worked on before, adopting the admittedly slightly rose tinted view that walking, and other more general locomotion, would deliver ample callisthenics to both quads and calves alike. Not that it hadn't occurred to me that focusing too much on my torso might land me looking a little top heavy eventually, but this rumination was easily cast into the doubtful void of ever actually accomplishing anything from going to the gym.

Whichever way you look at it, "Six pack by Sunday" was probably a little optimistic, but I digress.

Today started off with 50 sit ups and 50 press-ups. Very straightforward, with the view of upping the quantity and quality of exercise as i get used to it. I did them in 15 rep bursts, pausing for about a minute between each set and alternating the exercise, much like the supersets detailed in yesterdays routine. I also treated myself to ten minutes meditation (more on that later). What I did not do was eat breakfast. This, apparently, was my first mistake of the day.

A little on that point. All this extra activity saw me getting up about 40 minutes earlier than usual in order to get in at my self appointed start time of 5 minutes later than everyone else (the trick with office tardiness, i find, is that as long as you maintain the consistency of piss taking it is eventually accepted as the norm). Give we work 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year that's 260, less 25 days holiday makes 235. Times that by 40 and you get 9400 minutes, or 6 days, 12 hours and 40 minutes. for anyone that's ever said that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day", try staying awake for that long, then we'll talk.

Exercise - Yoga, 1 hour


Along with meditation, I've been interested in Yoga for some time, and I did it for a while a few years ago. I find the the level of relaxation attainable through hatha yoga in particular  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatha_yoga) unparallelled  Muscular relaxation through the constant stretching and relaxing of the body, entwined with mindful, focused awareness on the breath steadies the mind and hones concentration. The only real issue was that this particular class took place in the office, which, as it transpires turned out to be slightly counter-productive for two main reasons.

1. I found it incredibly difficult to pay attention to what the instructor was say because, for almost the entire hour I was desperately trying not to fart. Flatulence in the office is not, on any level what soever acceptable. A subtle incident in the lift, devoid of sound is forgivable ONLY if COMPLETE deniability on behalf of the fartie is plausible. But in a room of 6 young, nubile, 20 something girls, where blame could be instantly and with Lazar accuracy attributed to me? No thank you. I don't need that kind of publicity.

2. I kept thinking , repeatedly and with mounting conviction that each and every one of the girls in the room (which incidentally was everyone except me) thought that that I was trying to look at their vaginas. Completely irrational, and verging on paranoia perhaps, but have you ever seen "Downward Dog"? Now I'm always game for a good perv, but with work colleagues? Just awkward.



Diet


Lunch - Simply yesterdays leftover of mackerel and salad, with some of the remaining sweet potatoes and was very tasty.

Dinner - Thought I'd be a bit adventurous here, sticking to the fish and friendly carbs i tired my hand at Salmon Thai Red Curry, with Green Sauce (in retrospect that's probably just Salmon Thai green curry...).

For this you will need:

• 1 tsp vegetable or sunflower oil
• 2 tbsp Thai green (or red, whatevs) curry paste
• 1 tbsp Thai red curry paste
• 1 onion , sliced
• 250ml reduced-fat coconut milk
• 500g skinless salmon fillets , cut into chunks
• 200g pack green beans
• coriander or basil, to serve
• Chillies / Chilly powder / Chilly flakes to taste

1. Heat the oil in a large pan, then add the curry paste. Stir in the onion, then cook gently for about 5 mins until softened. Pour in the coconut milk and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer, then add the salmon chunks and beans. 

2. Leave to gently simmer for 5 mins until the fish flakes easily and the beans are tender. Add the Chilly, in whichever form to taste. Scatter with the coriander or basil, and serve with brown rice.

NB remember to stick the brown rice on at the very beginning otherwise you'll be waiting around for ages after the salon has cooked.

Nutrition Per serving:

326 kcalories, protein 27g, carbohydrate 5g, fat 22 g, saturated fat 9g, fibre 2g, sugar 4g, salt 0.46 g

On a personal note, this was fucking delicious. :)

Day 1 - Monday 9th Jan 2011

Today was the first day I really started taking things seriously, and like the eager beaver I am jumped ahead of the reigime set out in Men's Health.

However, a interested as im sure you all are to know the exact quotient of face pulls I managed, and just how delectably tangy my "Slash Salad" was (that's Mediterranean / Argentinian / Continental salad) I think it pertinent to lay down my reasons for doing this, and more to the point, why I am doing it this way. I know to some that the pursuit of sculpted body akin to Michaelangelo's David might, in some light be considered at best self concerned, and at worst a "egomaniac's journey into narcissism via the attainment of bodily nirvana". That by gravitating toward the social norm of aesthetic acceptability I am succeeding in nothing more than distancing myself from self acceptance, only strengthening the belief that happiness is the product of want, and enjoyment in the present moment is for the unambitious.....

The fact is that I just want one. Not because I want to strip off at the Gym, not for acceptance, not for girls to swoon at my feet (currently have a very beautiful gf who digs the resemblance of my legs and belly to the letter P), but simply because it a) can be done, b) I have not achieved one to date despite some (pretty half arsed) efforts in achieving one but mostly c) because I want to know, just for me how much shit a relatively normal guy has to take to attain the Abercrombie standard (and secretly d) I want to know if I can do it).

Also, on the point of narcissism, what exactly is the difference in wanting to improve the way your body looks, and how you dress yourself? How do you differentiate wanting to look good both outside and inside of what covers your skin? True, I'm not so obese as to treat the world to my bulging back tits peeking out from under my armpits/wings beneath a good sized hoody. But just because I can get away with it does that mean that I have to put up with it? And where do you draw the line exactly - at what point in dressing myself does the indulgence of putting on something nice become a dysfunctional personality trait? And why the negative connotations with wanting to improve yourself? It takes time and effort to change the way your body looks, but I could go and buy myself a new shirt tomorrow (if it wasn't January and I hadn't spunked* it all on over-priced ham in Spain, affecting both my ability to buy new shirts and paradoxically prodding this undertaking into fruition).

Plus, obviously, I want to look SMOKING HOT.

Anyway, without further ado, let the logging begin.

Gym - Full Body Work out using "Super Sets"

Super Set Definition - "A superset is two exercises performed back to back with minimal rest between exercises to increase workout intensity. Supersets are also a great technique for increasing muscle size, as they boost the release of anabolic hormones like testosterone, which is responsible for muscle growth. In addition, you will reduce the amount of time you spend in the gym, as you will be working two muscle groups (for example chest and back) within the same set". (thanks to this well designed website for this wonderful piece of prose http://www.mm2k.com/what-is-a-superset.html).

Superset 1

Exercise A1 – Front squat (50k)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWnV6LqjvV0

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Exercise A2 – Chin-ups (75k assisted)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8G0_NEJ-yA  (hahaha this ones a right douche - check out the fishing attire, something's missing under that hat i ponder...)

Sets 5
Reps 5
Rest 90 seconds

Superset 2

Exercise B1 – Barbell bench press (50kg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zkgs0-mlfJ0  (this guy was in star-treck I think)

Sets 4
Reps 6-8
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise B2 – Overhand fly (6kg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWFmcGM1G4c - this is standing but you get the idea

Sets 4
Reps 12-14
Rest 60 seconds

Superset 3

Exercise C1 – Face pull (35kg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQS-tXL1CLg (in Bath UK apparently)

Sets 3
Reps 10-12
Rest 60 seconds

Exercise C2 – Lat pull down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEb-dwU3VF4

Sets 3
Reps 10-12
Rest 60 seconds

I was supposed to do some other shit as well but I got bored and left.

Dinner - Smoked Mackerel, Beetroot and Chilly Salad and Roast Sweet potatoes and garlic

This was dinner:

Ultra easy meal, and very good for you. The Sweet potatoes (friendly carbs) were skinned and chopped, then boiled for 15 minutes until slightly soft. I stuck them in backing try with some garlic cloves and covered in a bit of olive oil and mixed herbs, and roasted for 35 minutes at 200 C.

The salad was mixed leaf with spinach and avocado, with chopped fresh chilly, with some tomatoes to boot.

And I'm deliberately not mentioning the wine.

* Interestingly the Interweb does not recognise "spunked**" as a word. Ironic, considering that its where the word probably originated. Just a thought...

** It suggests "spunky" and "spanked" as two alternatives, which I find amusing. :)

The beginning of the beginning...

Being asked if you are pregnant is not something any man should experience. False accusations of being “with child” is an indignity that should be enjoyed unanimously amongst the fairer sex. It’s happened to me twice in the last month.

I’m 28, and I think that I having a clean conscious describing myself as a relatively lean. I’m pretty tall as well, but at 6’6” (198cm for our continental brethren) and 15 Stone (96kg) that puts my BMI at just within the normal brackets. But that’s not the problem.

The problem is that, for almost as long as I remember I’ve had a belly. Once described as my “Ethiopian accomplice” (I leave the author of that delightful gem safe in anonymity), I’ve succeeded in securing the occasional tube seat, the odd queue jumped and the disappointingly more frequent toddler pointing, mouth agape in unfettered astonishment at such a juxtaposition of the sexes. Well, enough is enough.

Like you I eat well(ish), although perhaps too much. I go to the gym fairly frequently, probably averaging twice a week (sometimes less), work 9-6 during the week, and I like the occasional drink. And by occasional I mean frequent. And by drink I mean binge... But like you I was also once a teenager, and so, like you I too once converted the holy grail of fitness embodiment – the 6 pack.

Think of as kind of a reverse “Supersize Me”, although hopefully I’m not going to spend the following year fucking my body back into palpable mediocrity. I’m a pretty average guy, and I want to know exactly what it takes to turn me into something a little fitter, a little leaner, and hopefully a little happier.

So, over the next three to six months I am going to use this blog to log every effort I make, documenting everything that I consider to be effort towards this most unlikely of outcomes, to see what exactly it is that gets you “washboard abs”. I will be documenting gym routines, diet with various recipes I find along the way, units of alcohol consumed, minutes of CV clocked up, crunches crunched and sit ups sat. On top of this, I will take measurements every week, and maybe a picture or two.

Loosely I will be following this routine, except subbing the rugby for boxing classes, and the night school for Yoga.

http://www.menshealth.co.uk/lose-weight/diet-plans/fat-burning-plan-for-beer-lovers

I’m also posting on Twitter. Feel free to follow me @Olly_Southern

Of course, if anyone wants to join me I would love to know how you are getting on.

Yours,

Olly


And just in case you were wondering.....